Transitions: Reflections after PhD, Year One

After the whirlwind that was my moving to Lubbock, TX, I really began to doubt what I was doing here. I moved half-way across the country to a city I didn't know existed until about 10 months before, and I had not yet felt comfortable with it all. Was graduate school really for me? Did I really want to do all the work required? Was I good enough? And, most important of all, was this what God wanted for me?

I had no job. I was in the same place many English majors are after getting that shiny diploma cover with a "sample" Bachelor of Arts diploma in it: I was jobless. Who would hire an English major? (And technically, I hadn't yet graduated...I was finishing an independent study class--Shakespeare.) I had spoken with the school's editing internship coordinator, a lovely woman who was a bit absentminded and whom no one could ever get a hold of, but all she had given me was a name of someone who worked for my church who had expressed interest in hiring an intern or two.

So I had a name and the organization he was associated with. I did the most assertive thing I had ever done till that point. It was my first real action as an adult woman. It was scary, and my dad went with me. I went to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' Family History Library, where I thought this man worked. I asked a volunteer there if they had a directory. They did. She looked up his name. I now had a number (and I found out he didn't work in the Family History Library, but in the Church Office Building).

So I had a name and the organization and a number. I called.

Right after I moved, I went to an academic conference, the Research Society for Victorian Periodicals conference, which is another blog post in and of itself. My flight from Minneapolis/St. Paul got in to Lubbock early Sunday morning. I was tired (I'd gotten up at 4 am to catch my flight), and I was feeling emotionally and spiritually drained. Moving takes a lot out of you, especially if you don't know if what you're doing is the best thing for you at the moment. I stared at my bed, which looked awfully good, and at all the unpacked boxes and such around my apartment, which symbolized my current uncertainty. I then thought about church. I should got to church; that's a good thing, right? I mean, when life is hard, church is always the best place to be, right? I decided to take a nap, but I set my alarm to wake me up in time to get to church.

I should mention that at the time of my unemployed status as a recent BA recipient, I also had just been rejected from three master's degree programs. This was incredibly depressing because I had set my heart on graduate school (after being rejected from the secondary education program, I had decided graduate school was the place for me). I felt like I was at a road block. My dream of being a teacher was on the other side, but I couldn't get past this massive wall that just kept getting higher, blocking my view. Was there another path I should take? The uncertainty bothered me. I'm a planner, not a terribly meticulous one, but I like to see where I'm going so I know how to get there. And at this time I was stumbling around, bumping into this wall, in the dark.

Long story short, I was hired as an intern in the Church History Department of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And that experience taught me many things, which must be jumped over for now. I think I'm trying to make some point here. Oh, yes. After my internship ended, I was hired as the internship coordinator and assistant editor. Yes, giant leap from intern...

I got to church late, found a seat, and managed to finish singing the opening hymn. As I sat there through the service, among strangers (who are now all good friends, by the way), I had the overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to be there. Heavenly Father was pleased I'd chosen to go to church, even though the justification and need for sleep was strong; He was pleased that I had moved across the country; He was pleased that I was sitting in that chapel at that moment in that place. I was supposed to be in Lubbock, TX. I was supposed to be in graduate school, at that graduate school, at that time. I'm a crier; yes, I'm coming to accept that. And in this moment, the tears flowed.

In my position, I learned a few things: 1) I never wanted to be in a leadership position ever again. Not that I couldn't do it; I didn't want to do it. Too much pressure. Anyways, leaders need good followers. I can be a good follower. 2) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only true and living church on earth. Yes, I knew this before, and I still know it, but I was blessed with a unique perspective on the truth of it all. 3) It's possible to pray yourself into graduate school. I did it. And I think Heavenly Father blessed me with the opportunity to attend BYU because I needed to learn a few things as I tried to walk through a wall/road block. It turns out, I just needed to walk around the wall...duh. 4) God works in ways that are best for us. He loves us. He has a plan for us. Sometimes, we just need to "fear...not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord" (Exodus. 14:13).

So, since this blog is titled something about reflections after working on a PhD for a year, I suppose I should get beyond how I got here. But, as I've been thinking about lately, the beginning of something is often the most important part. What was it that I learned that Sunday that helped me through this year? Well, God loves me, He has a plan (in which I'm trying to be a willing figure), and my life is right now what it needs to be. Peace: "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning [graduate school, life, etc.]; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God" (D&C 101:16). Perhaps some day I will actually get around to reflecting on all that I have learned over the last year. My life has changed profoundly in ways I am just beginning to understand, and I have learned things about myself and my purpose in this life and eternity that I never dreamed of before.

I definitely knew more about what I was getting myself into this time around (see some thoughts I had after my first year in the master's program). But, at the same time, I was not prepared for being told I was "too Mormon" or learning more about Heavenly Father in the temple or meeting some of the most amazing people in the world who are becoming such very dear friends. I can firmly say, after year one, my life and purpose is here. I don't know what year two will bring, but whatever it brings, it will bring more knowledge and life. And that is what we are all living for.

After praying myself into graduate school, I realized that roadblocks don't mean the journey is frustrated or ended. They simply mean detours. And detours are often interesting and scenic, and they usually take forever to get through! But they often show us things we never expected to see and help us understand things we never expected to understand. Detours are what teach us the most about how much God loves us, and they help us understand that He is really in control. Anyways, that is the most important thing to learn, isn't it?